Released: March 19, 2004

Tips for Parents: View Empty Nest as Opportunity

MANHATTAN, Kan. – The term “empty nest” typically describes the time when the last child leaves home, perhaps to pursue an education, employment or marriage.

Losing day-to-day contact with a child may seem a loss, but parents are encouraged to allow their child the time and space to find his or her own way, said Charlotte Shoup Olsen, K-State Research and Extension family systems specialist.

“A parent is a parent for life. A child’s departure opens the door for the relationship to mature and develop in a new way. It’s a natural transition, but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be some bumps along the road,” she said.

“Roles and relationships change, but grow as well. Children may embrace their new freedoms, but most will still want to ask their parents’ advice from time to time and may also seek occasional financial support,” Olsen said.

“There will be adjustments for all concerned, just as there were adjustments when the child was born,” Olsen said.

From a purely practical perspective, an adult child’s departure usually means less laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

“Mealtime may change, too. The pressure to get dinner on the table before a school function is gone. Parents may opt for simpler meals, a more relaxed timetable or choose to eat out,” Olsen said.

“Couples often report that their marital satisfaction increases when children leave home,” she said. “In turning toward each other with more freedom and flexibility, couples usually have an opportunity to reconnect with each other and to nurture hobbies or interests that appeal to them both as a couple and as individuals. With less day-to-day pressure, parents of adult children also may be free to re-consider their careers and adopt a more relaxed lifestyle.”

“Couples who have neglected their relationship do not usually experience improved marital satisfaction,” Olsen said. “They may be leading separate lives even though they are in the same household, spending little time talking with each other, and giving little attention to showing their fondness or admiration for each other. With time and perhaps some counseling, many couples who can learn to turn toward each other in good times and bad can rebuild their relationship.”

“A single or primary parent who has fulfilled the greater role in childcare responsibilities may feel a greater sense of loss when a child leaves home,” Olsen said. “In time, he or she also may feel a greater sense of relief from the responsibility of day-to-day child care and embrace the new freedom to develop personal interests.”

As parents adjust to an empty nest and more relaxed lifestyle, what happens if – and when – an adult child wants to return home?

“Talk about expectations – yours and theirs – before the move,” said Olsen, who encourages family members to discuss how to respect the rights and responsibilities of others.

What, for example, is the adult child expected to contribute? What can he or she expect from parents? Is food in the refrigerator there for the taking? Who cleans up after meals and snacks? Will the adult child be expected to take his or her turn doing the laundry? Do yard work? Respect a curfew?

If an adult child is returning home for a summer vacation, a likely timetable for returning to school or work will be in place. If, however, an adult child is suffering from the loss of employment or experiencing a separation or divorce, Olsen said that a family may be faced with additional issues: Are there children or grandchildren? And, if so, who will be responsible for childcare? How can expenses be managed? And, has the adult child given any thought to a timetable that will allow him to reclaim his independence?

If expectations are clear, there will be less anxiety and discord, Olsen said.

For more information on managing family relationships successfully, contact the local K-State Research and Extension office or visit K-State Research and Extension’s Web Site: www.oznet.ksu.edu

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K-State Research and Extension is a short name for the Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service, a program designed to generate and distribute useful knowledge for the well-being of Kansans. Supported by county, state, federal and private funds, the program has county Extension offices, experiment fields, area Extension offices and regional research centers statewide. Its headquarters is on the K-State campus, Manhattan.

Story by:
Nancy Peterson
nancyp@oznet.ksu.edu
K-State Research& Extension News