Released: February 25, 2003

Strengthen Relationships During Deployment, Separation

MANHATTAN, Kan. – Military and other separations affect spouses, partners, and extended family members, said Charlotte Shoup Olsen, K-State Research and Extension family systems specialist.

Relationships are tested, and those that are strong before separation have an advantage. There’s no doubt about that. It is, however, possible to strengthen a relationship during a separation, said Olsen, who offered these tips:

*Acknowledge that a change is about to take place. Acknowledging the change is not the same as dwelling on it, she said.

* Work together to prepare. Make a list of what needs to be done, and be sure to include responsibilities that will need to be shifted during a spouse’s, partner’s or family member’s absence.

One example is banking or bill paying. If one partner has been responsible for seeing that the checkbook is balanced and bills paid on time, ask them to share how and when they do it, where records are kept, and other tips to ease the transition, Olsen said.

"Talk about ‘business’ decisions, such as the need to renew a lease that will need to occur during the separation. Discussing such decisions can simplify the process and lighten the load.

* Give yourself a break. Allow some down time, even if you have to schedule it.

* Do what you can to ease tensions. Be selective when reading the paper and listening to the news. Skip articles or programs that rehash disturbing news events.

*Take care of yourself. Eat a variety of foods; drink plenty of water; get adequate rest and exercise.

* Plan time together. In the rush to get life in order, make time for you and your relationship, too.

* Decide how you will keep in touch. E-mail can speed communication. Tapes also can be important. While not the same as face-to-face conversation, tapes can be replayed – ‘hearing’ from another person can be reassuring, Olsen said.

*Don’t stop ‘being normal.’ Suggesting that the remaining spouse, partner or family members try to live normally isn’t meant to slight or diminish the absent person. Making an effort to live as normally as possible reinforces the value of the life that has been built together and maintains that life for a time when the separation ends, Olsen said.

* Reach out. Others in the community may be coping with similar circumstances, she said.

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K-State Research and Extension is a short name for the Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service, a program designed to generate and distribute useful knowledge for the well-being of Kansans. Supported by county, state, federal and private funds, the program has county Extension offices, experiment fields, area Extension offices and regional research centers statewide. Its headquarters is on the K-State campus, Manhattan.

Story by:
Nancy Peterson, Communications Specialist
nancyp@oznet.ksu.edu
K-State Research& Extension News