Effects of Deployment Extend Beyond Military 2/25/03

MANHATTAN, Kan. – Heart-wrenching photographs of military families parting are in the news. The pictorial reports are but one part of what American families currently are experiencing, said Chuck Smith, Kansas State University Research and Extension family life specialist.

Deployment can stress parent, child, family and other relationships; friendships; living arrangements; family and business economics, work relationships – even community services. The list could go on and on, Smith said.

"When one or more members of a military family is preparing for deployment, there are emotional issues as well as the practical decisions needed to manage day-to-day living apart successfully," the family life specialist said.

Make Offers to
Help Specific

MANHATTAN, Kan. – When a parent will be away for an extended period of time, the at-home parent, family or friends who are responsible for child care will need some time-off from around-the-clock parenting responsibilities.

Families, friends, neighbors and others in a community are encouraged to be specific when offering help, said Chuck Smith, K-State Research and Extension family life specialist.

"Saying ‘let me take care of the children so you can have an afternoon off’ is preferable to a more general ‘call me sometime,’" Smith said.

Many people have a hard time asking for help, he said.

Offers to run errands, cut the grass, do yard work or provide simple household repairs usually are appreciated. Since finances also can be an issue, an offer to bring supper or otherwise reduce expenses – such as picking up the tab for movie or other event tickets – without calling attention to it – can help families experiencing change that also may be accompanied by additional financial demands, Smith said.

In tackling emotional issues for parents with children, Smith said that children usually feel sad when a parent must be away.

"A child’s age will affect how he or she is likely to respond. Infants can, for example, sense a parent’s absence; toddlers can feel distress, even if they are not able to verbalize it," he said.

Children might fear that a parent may not return or that the parent will in some way be different when he or she does return.

"Signs of a child’s distress may include sleep disturbances; changes in eating habits; or acting out. At times, a child may panic," he said.

The nature of parent-child relationship prior to deployment also can influence how a child responds to the separation. A parent who has spent quality time with a child will be missed more than an emotionally distant parent. Parents who are an important part of a child’s daily schedule – those who read a story at night or fix breakfast every morning – will be painfully missed. Parents can, however, take steps to reassure their children, said Smith, who offered these tips:

*Talk to your children. Tell them that your work assignment requires you to be away. At the same time, remind them that being away won’t change your feelings for them.

*Try not to alarm children unnecessarily or burden them with details they may not understand.

"It’s okay for a parent to say ‘we’ll miss ...,’ but try not to dwell on the absence," he said.

*Reassure your children and family – tell them you look forward to coming home and seeing them.

*Spend time with your children – turn off the television; get out the board games; play catch;

go for a bike ride; fix dinner together, and take time to eat together as a family.

"Technology can speed communication during a separation. Check the availability of e-mail and opportunities to send tapes and videos," Smith said.

Let family members know that letters, drawings or other school papers or activity reports will be appreciated.

Consistent communication can ease the pain of separation. It also can ease readjustments when the family is reunited, the family life specialist said.

K-State Research and Extension is a short name for the Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service, a program designed to generate and distribute useful knowledge for the well-being of Kansans. Supported by county, state, federal and private funds, the program has county Extension offices, experiment fields, area Extension offices and regional research centers statewide. Its headquarters is on the K-State campus, Manhattan.