Released: June 04, 2001

Friendship Important to a Lasting Marriage

MANHATTAN, Kan. – Being friends first can give a couple a stable foundation for marriage, said Charlotte Shoup Olsen, Kansas State University Research and Extension family systems specialist.

"Building a friendship allows a couple to develop intimacy gradually. People often think of intimacy as a physical relationship, but true intimacy is much more: it’s a comfort zone that allows individuals to share personal thoughts and feelings. And, it’s the freedom to share that can

help a marriage survive the ups and downs of life long after the honeymoon is over," she said.

"The euphoria of romance fades, but couples who started as friends and who make an effort to nurture their friendship as well as their relationship usually have a better chance of having an enduring relationship," said Olsen, who offered these tips to nurture friendship in a marriage:

* Keep the spirit of ‘fun’ alive.

"Remember how you looked forward to a date? Dating shouldn’t end with marriage or family life. In fact, partners who nurture their relationship with each other often are more able to provide a stable – and caring – home environment for their family," said Olsen, who noted that dates can be special without being expensive.

On a date, Olsen also advises skipping discussions about difficult issues at home or work. Agreeing to leave the baggage at home is not the same as avoiding important issues or decisions. Plan to discuss them at another time, she said.

* Share.

"Don’t assume that your partner knows everything. Let he or she know how you’re doing through inevitable ups and downs," Olsen said.

* Practice the five-to-one rule: Find five positives for every negative.

"During difficult times, it’s important to remember what attracted you to your partner and the promise of a relationship. Build on the positives," the family systems specialist said.

* Show respect for your partner.

Remembering how your friendship began – and how special it was – can make it easier to deal with disagreements that are an inevitable part of any relationship.

"Yelling and shouting; name calling, and making insulting remarks can harm the best of relationships," said Olsen, who advises couples to identify issues, listen to each others’ point of view; and, if resolution can’t be accomplished quickly, ask for time out to consider possible solutions.

"Reaching a compromise can be beneficial for both partners – it shares the responsibility as well as any potential benefits," she said.

* Set aside at least 15 minutes a day for each other.

A quarter of an hour doesn’t seem like much. But setting aside a few minutes of quiet time for each other can nurture a healthy friendship and help build a successful relationship, Olsen said.

For more information on building interpersonal relationships, interested persons can contact the local K-State Research and Extension office.

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K-State Research and Extension is a short name for the Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service, a program designed to generate and distribute useful knowledge for the well-being of Kansans. Supported by county, state, federal and private funds, the program has county Extension offices, experiment fields, area Extension offices and regional research centers statewide. Its headquarters is on the K-State campus, Manhattan.

Story by:
Nancy Peterson, Communications Specialist
npeterso@oznet.ksu.edu
K-State Research& Extension News